Memories lost but not forgotten
by Katie1995
Summary: One-shot! How Esme feels about Bella's pregnancy. during Breaking dawn


**Memories lost but not forgotten.**

I couldn't take it. Bella coming back like she is, Edward's pained eyes and Carlisle's speedy decision.

Pregnant. Bella was pregnant. Of course I thought Carlisle got it wrong. He told me we couldn't reproduce. He was wrong. This revelation was tearing me up inside. It broke my dead heart to know I could never give Carlisle that one gift. The one I craved.

Of course I loved all of my "children", but I'd never raise a tiny bundle into adolescence. Never see them grow up. That opportunity was stolen from me when God took my Son away. He was only three days old. He never had the chance to _live! _

So here I am now. Running through the forest, hiding my heart breaking thoughts to myself. Bella's fragile condition, Edward in denial and Carlisle – well being Carlisle- handling everything so professionally. Jasper can't take the wave of emotions, Alice is just about coping and Rosalie, well...

Emmett, dear Emmett still trying to bring happiness into the house. But even I can see through his façade.

I didn't know where I was running. I just ran. It wasn't until I was looking down upon the jagged rocks and the grey, hungry sea, I realised where I was. The moment of Déjà vu hit me like an oncoming train.

The last time I stood here, there was no future for me.

**(flashback – September 1921):**

_There's nothing left. No options, nothing. Everything and everyone I loved held no priority for me now. I couldn't go back to Columbus, Charles would kill me. He promised and he was one to never go back on them. My parents had probably disowned me anyway. I'd ashamed them. Running away from everyone like that. They knew what happened behind closed doors._

_My son, Harry Carlisle Platt, the only light in my life is... dead. The sob I'd been holding in broke the silence. I was angry. So angry. Why God? Why me? What have I done wrong to deserve this? The tears came streaming down my face. _

_Walking towards the cliff I had time to reflect on the last 48 hours._

**___(2 days ago):_**

_"Well done Esme. You have a beautiful baby boy". _

_"Can I see him?" I was eager. For nine long months I had kept him safe and now I got to meet my tiny prince._

_The nurse passed him down to me. His fingers and toes were so small. Miniature. I felt as though one wrong movement could break him. _

_"Hello" I cooed. "I'm your Mummy and you, you are my saviour"._

_Neither of us slept well that night. My little harry developed a cough. I didn't know what was wrong with him. It was the look the nurse gave me while checking on us the next morning that worried me. Just a one second glance before she composed her face again**.**_

_"What's wrong! Is he alright?" I was panicking._

_"Esme, dear, I think the doctor needs to take a look. I'm sure it's nothing serious just a slight temperature." She smiled then walked out the door._

_I scooped Harry into my arms, felt his chest rise and fall. The smell of him, the touch. I loved him so much. My future was now set. I'd look after him through thick and thin. Raise him to be a proper gentleman._

_His first day at school, his first love, marriage, grandchildren. I looked forwards to it all. Charles would never hurt him._

_That's when my world came crushing down._

_"Please, nurse Mary, excuse us for a minute." He walked to my cot and took Harry from my arms._

_"This isn't good. Not at all..._

_"WHAT! TELL ME!" but I knew. His face said what words failed him._

_"Esme, your son, he... he's developed a lung infection. He won't make it through the night. I'm so sorry."_

_It was an out of body experience. I didn't, couldn't believe it. I was expecting screams to come from my throat, fill the silence but I was numb._

_"How long?"_

_Six hours, even less." And then he was gone._

_For the rest of the morning, I didn't move from my baby's side. I sang songs, talked to him about the world and Dr. Carlisle Cullen and told him how much he changed my life. I tried to be the best Mother I could. He'd already exceeded the doctors expectations but I could tell he slowing down. By midday the next day his breathing became shallow. It was time to say goodbye. My little miracle was losing. I cried, sobbed until there were no tears left. At 1:04pm my baby boy took his last breath. I kissed him on his head and the nurse took him away._

**(That evening/night)**

_I ran. Just got up and ran. I couldn't be in there, my son was everywhere. His smell was on my gown, his face flashed through my mind. My feet were being slashed by the harsh undergrowth. It wasn't until I stopped I realised where I was._

_My knees gave way and I fell to the floor. The grief suffocated me, crushing my very existence._

_"WHY? WHY ME?" I let the anguish shine through._

_"What have I done wrong? God why?" My sobs became more broken and I couldn't breathe._

_"I've done everything you've asked of me. I stayed with that... that monster. Why this? He was my Baby!" My tears blurred my vision. The wind whipped the hair around my face._

_"I can't take anymore" It was more a statement to me than to anyone else._

_I edged toward the fierce drop. I looked down, below me was the black sea it's sharp teeth ready to welcome me. If this was the only way I could be with my son, I'd do it._

_"Don't worry Harry, Mummy will be with you soon." I smiled as I pictured his angelic face and with that, stepped off the edge into the unknown._

**(Present)**

I fell to my knees and my body shook with sobs. I wanted to cry. I wanted to be able to show my grief properly. Strong arms encircled me. Carlisle. I breathed in his scent. Cinnamon and vanilla. I felt his hand rubbing my back, calming me.

"Ca-Carlisle."

"Shhhh, I'm here now. Oh Esme" I needed him.

"Please just hold me" With that his hold became tighter.

"Oh Esme, I've been so selfish. What with Bella and... well you know. I've ignored you as a wife. It must be so hard for you, so many memories." He sighed.

"NO. Carlisle you will NOT blame yourself for this. You've dealt with this so calmly. Me. I'm a mess." He went to talk but I stopped him.

"I've kept these memories bottled up for too long. I needed to face it. Alone. I've ignored them because it was too painful to remember. I know now that to move on, I had to remember. Let my little boy rest in peace. I know it will never be easy. I miss him every day, but I have to move on. Look forward to the future. Eternity with you. My Children and Grandchild.

Note how I say grandchild, Carlisle, because whatever you may think, I _know_ it's a baby. With someone as precious as Edward and Selfless as Bella, it _can't_ be a monster. I will stand by Bella and I will protect her and her child. For you will never understand how strong a Mother's love for her child is. How strong the bond is. Bella loves her or him already. Just remember that." I finished my little speech, Carlisle looked at me with those eyes I can't resist. How could I be angry at him? _My_ angel.

"Esme I'm sorry you feel that way. You know as well as anyone else – even better- that I would never hurt anyone like that. Edward's just scared he can't bear seeing Bella like this, just like I can't bear to see you like _this. _I love you, Esme Anne Platt Cullen, and I'll love you until I die. Seeing you in pain, Esme, it hurts me too." He put a delicate kiss on my head.

"I-I'm sorry"

"Don't be. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. It's a rite of passage in a way. From here on you can move on. I've lost count how many times I've told you this today. In This moment, but I love you. Are you ready to go?" He took my hand and stood up a with a little smile on his lips. "I have time to make up".

"Yes". And with that we ran, holding hands the whole way. Never letting go.

I found peace and serenity. I had a family who needed their "mother" at the most hardest time in their lives. I needed to support Carlisle, everyone. I had a grandchild on the way. I was becoming a Grandma. The most important thing, though, was my lifeline... Carlisle. He's been with me through the good and bad days, supported me when I needed him and now I had to return that favour. I had rest of eternity with him. My Carlisle. Nothing could beat that.


End file.
